I’m 25 and I’ve been a very bad girl this past two years. I used to be a very strong Christian, but I don’t know, I just went astray. I still go to church and serve in my service unit, but I’m so lost. I lost my virginity to a separated guy with a son last month. I’m always scared of love and relationships, so I told him from the onset, when he kept asking me out, that this was not anything serious. Plus, he has a son, and I do not want that kind of relationship. I cried deeply the night I lost my virginity because it dawned on me that I had really backslid. Since I lost it to him, I’ve been so horny. I’m normally healthily horny, and when I was a virgin, I would hook up with guys but never let them have sex with me. It hurt a lot when they tried to penetrate, so it was not even my cup of tea, and I thought I had vaginismus. I hated sex, and my body would usually clamp up whenever they tried doing anything during foreplay. I just never wanted anyone there, and I figured if I was going to go through pain, I would give my virginity to my husband. But this guy just sort of worked his way in and ended up having sex with me.
The way he would touch me made me more relaxed around him until the night he penetrated me. It hurt really bad and I bled. I cried like I said. After that, I started enjoying it. Like when he would have sex with me, I would feel so good. I never had an orgasm though. Before him, I had been with like three guys, and because I liked certain touches, that was all I would do with them. One of them is very wealthy and is always sending me money. All of them are nice and have proposed marriage, but I just know I cannot marry any of them. Now I’m really craving sex with the guy that deflowered me. Ever since I left him, I’ve been almost sex-crazed. I also think it is because I’m ovulating. Deep down, I want to stop, stop letting my sexual desires get the best of me, remain pure, and find my husband to explore my sexual interests with him. Sometimes I do not even think I want to get married. I have always been scared of relationships and marriage, the idea that I would have to give my heart to one man all my life and the fact that he could mess it up. But deep down, I also want my person, someone to travel the world with, someone who gets me. I’m not sure if I want children, but we could work our way to it. I want God back, and I want my person. I’m very aware I’m not perfect and I’ve really messed up. I need some advice on how to move forward with my life and forget this guy with a child. Please do not judge.
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