I read the story about the person with intrusive thoughts and I can relate, but mine is different. It started about four years ago and it keeps getting worse. I say things in my mind, scary things, and think about the most vile things. I’ve tried distracting myself but it doesn’t work. I stopped praying and going to church because of it. I sometimes imagine pastors most weirdly and I swear this is not intentional. When I pray, I also start imagining the worst thoughts, so I stop praying. One time, I remember saying “in Satan’s name” instead of “Jesus’s name.” I was terrified. I haven’t told anyone about this. I tried telling my ex but he didn’t understand and believe, so I didn’t continue.
This year, it’s been really bad. I feel like something else is controlling my mind. I try my possible best to avoid being close to water and heights. I’m scared to go home because my parents just made a swimming pool and I can’t swim. What if something happens? I’ve been thinking of the death of some of my family. I live in fear and lately, I really can’t remember things, which is also affecting my academics. I’m just 20; why would I be this forgetful and messed up? I really need help but I don’t know where to get it. I don’t pray again because I’m scared and I’m not sure anyone will understand if I explain this to them. I don’t really want to go into details because it’s gru€some. I just decided to share this; maybe I can get a little help.
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