It’s been months since I left my 4 years relationship. I got so tired of putting in all my efforts, I felt like I was doing too much! I never felt like I was appreciated. I would sometimes fantasize about couples’ videos and wonder the day he would look at me the same way or even adore me to that extent. The point where I got really tired was catching him cheating while we were struggling. He was hosting another girl in his house which had been going on for months, and I never sensed it. I found out a few days before my birthday, and I was heartbroken. I cried and tried so much to get over it, but I couldn’t. In all 4 years, he has always cheated on me each year! After that took place, I started to drift away slowly. I was so tired; I was only there to help lift the weight, there to join him in sadness and try my best to make him happy. I was tired; I just became numb and stopped feeling anything. It got to the point where I just left. I was so tired of trying to control everything around me.
I didn’t break up, but I just left the city, and he reached out and cried so many times, but I was tired. I was not shown the love I deserved. I was tired. I wanted things to work themselves out. My purpose of venting here is, lately, I have been sober because he has stopped reaching out and moved on, and here I am thinking if I would ever find the better my heart earnestly wants, or should I have accepted him when he was begging? I am really miserable right now! I don’t have my own person anymore, and he doesn’t even want to be with me too. It’s sad to know, to him, I wasn’t much of a big deal to lose! All his friends that used to be over me, no one reached out. I welcomed every one of his family or friends with open arms, but no one tried to reach out to me… Before people go write, saying, ‘That’s how love is,’ if we don’t think of food (lol), today is just one of the days I’m feeling bad, and I am human, and I am confused if I would ever find the better my heart wants. I am really beautiful, but it is what it is.