Ummm, on Sunday, while coming back from travel with my friend, I realised that maybe I actually need to stop being friends with boys at this point, for real. I trusted my friend. Yes, I know he likes me, but that doesn’t give you the right to touch me. I was asleep. Obviously, I’m not a deep sleeper. I felt hands on me. Not to assume, I decided to pretend to still be asleep, and I watched as he put his hands beneath my shirt, grazed his hands on my breast, then I woke up and he removed his hands. Then my question now is, why would you do that? Was I too friendly? Well, that’s a red flag, and see where it landed me. After this happened, I promised myself I was going to stop being friends with him. He begged me and promised it wasn’t going to happen again, that before this incident we were friends and I shouldn’t just throw all of it away. Moving on to today, this same guy came over to my house. I messed up big time. The guy my boyfriend warned me about several times, which I claimed our friendship was strictly platonic, I did something with him today I can’t get over. I feel so guilty. This was what I feared the most about us being apart, and then in the end I was the one who messed up.
I don’t think he’ll forgive me, and I don’t know how long I can carry this guilt. I knew how my reaction was when I found out a girl slept over at his place and he wanted to cuddle and she refused. Imagine nothing happened, but I know how I went mad, threatening to break up and not forgive him, and then later I did eventually. Then today, this friend came over. One thing led to another. I was touching his nipples, which I know is a sensitive spot for him. To be honest, I just found it very funny, the fact he was getting aroused and he couldn’t do anything. Before I knew it, he was on me. That was my cue to actually tell him to get off me because I myself was beginning to feel a sensation. I didn’t know why. I h@te myself so much. Then he proceeded to use the tip of his mouth to hold my nipple through my singlet. This made me too aroused. I know I was doing the wrong thing, I really did, but I didn’t tell him to stop. He proceeded to lift my singlet up and began s*cking my nipple, and moved my hands inside his shorts to hold his D. Then he was about to pull my own shorts for us to have s€x. That’s when I came back to reality, like what am I doing, and I told him to stop, that I don’t want to do what I’ll regret. He respected me and stopped, and immediately everything flashed before my eyes.
I broke down and started crying. He was trying to console me. I told him this one principle I had and I broke it, to never let the other partner feel disrespected. If I want to cheat or act silly, I should break up rather than misbehave while in a relationship. Now I’m torn between letting my partner in on everything, though we didn’t have s€x or kiss, but we got intimate, which I feel could be considered cheating too. But I fear he might break up with me. I swear I love him. I don’t know how I did this rubbish I did, and I don’t even want to blame my friend in any way because I had the option to say no, but I got carried away by the pleasure, which I regret deeply. This friend in question actually loves me and makes me feel loved at times. My boyfriend acts out and makes me beg for attention, bad mouths me in front of his friends, but still that doesn’t justify what I did. God, I’m so confused. I wish today didn’t happen. I want to also cut ties with that my friend. God, if only I could rewind time and be strong willed. What did I just do? This is what I will hear someone did and I’ll be bashing the person, now I’m here. God, how did I go from falling out with this person for touching me inappropriately to allowing his touch, then jeopardising my relationship. God, heii.
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