I’m starting to think there might be something really broken in me because I keep falling for women who cheat. It’s like I crave the pain of finding out and watching them beg for forgiveness. Ever since my first love cheated on me so much, I’ve been stuck in this pattern. I loved her so much I couldn’t let her go even though she kept hurting me, and when I finally did, I realized I couldn’t stay with someone who doesn’t cheat. It’s like I love the misery—the twisted thought of knowing another guy has been with my girl. Right now, I’m dating this beautiful, fine ebony woman. I was drawn to her because she’s so sexy I assumed she’d have guys lined up and would cheat too. I really love-bombed her at first, and now she’s completely in love with me. We’ve been together for a year, but I haven’t found a single sign she’s cheating. I even cloned her phone and WhatsApp—all I see is her rejecting other guys, blocking them, and shutting down any advances. Her block list is huge, like 80 people. But nothing. It’s almost frustrating. I feel bored.
I even cheated on her and let her find out, hoping maybe she’d cheat back, but she didn’t. Now I’m honestly thinking about leaving her to find someone who will cheat. I know it sounds messed up. I don’t want to be judged for it. I feel like my first girlfriend messed up my head, and now this is just part of me. I can’t seem to break out of it.
Also read: I Have Never Been Loved