It’s three years this month since we stopped talking to each other. We had a serious issue, which he was at fault for, but I didn’t confront him. I kept quiet and was dying in silence. I stopped talking to him and chatting with him. I even told people we were no longer together. I distanced myself from him. He later relocated back to his state, Kaduna, as he always wanted, and life moved on for him. Somehow, I still haven’t fully moved on. He has a girlfriend now. He posts her on his WhatsApp status, and I can see that he’s happy—and honestly, I’m happy for them. We didn’t even have each other’s numbers for two years. Recently, we started talking again, but just once in a blue moon. We only congratulate each other or like each other’s WhatsApp statuses. No real conversations. No deep chats. Nothing more. He continued his life, found someone else, and left everything we had behind. But me, I’m still here. The memories are still here. I’ve tried everything possible to forget him or move on. It’s not working.
I even tried using someone else to forget him, but that didn’t work either. I stopped talking to that person and distanced myself because it wasn’t fair. Sometimes, I ask myself, what is so special about him that made it this hard to forget him for three good years? Every time I think about it, I feel hurt. I still think about him more than I want to admit. I still care, even though I know I shouldn’t. I’ve told myself to be strong, accept reality, and stop looking back. But it’s not as easy as people think. It’s the memories that make it harder. I even changed my location at the end of last month, but that didn’t change anything. If I perceive a perfume that smells like his scent, it reminds me of him. I still remember the way he talks, the conversations, and the laughter. Sometimes, it’s not even him I miss—it’s the feeling of being loved. I was loved by him. I am loved at home, though. I just want someone to talk to, call sweet names, argue with, cook with, walk with, play with, and plan life with. But it has been really hard for me to find that again.
Losing that changed something in me. Today is his birthday. We share the same date, just in different months. I wished him a happy birthday, and he replied. That’s all, till further notice. We’ll just keep viewing each other’s statuses. What hurts the most is knowing that he moved on so easily while I’m still struggling. It makes me question myself. It makes me wonder if I wasn’t enough for him to stay. I smile outside like everything is fine, but deep down, there’s still a part of me that hasn’t healed. I don’t want to feel like this forever. I want to move on. I want to be free from these memories. I want to stop caring about someone who already chose a different life without me. Ma na odiro easy ma ncha, at all, at all. Healing is not something you can force. It comes slowly, and I’m still in that process. I can’t wait for the day I finally get over him and the memories don’t hurt anymore. Maybe one day, he’ll just be someone I used to know. Maybe one day, it won’t hurt anymore. But today, I’m still learning how to let go.
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