Since I gained consciousness as a human, I can’t remember a time when my mom and I were ever on good terms. When I was little, it was always as if my presence irritated her. She frequently compared me to my younger siblings, cursed, and insulted me a lot. At that point, I had zero backbone or self-esteem, and I took any treatment from anyone just because. I thought the treatment was normal until I got older and discovered that fearing my mother to the extent that I was afraid of her wasn’t normal. I tried everything to please her, sought relatives’ intervention, and even cried while holding her wrapper at 3 am, begging her to like me. The last straw was when I sat her down for a heart-to-heart conversation, asking her to express any grudge so I could make corrections. She responded by saying someone as important and successful as her would never be close to a useless soul like me. I cried a lot that day, but after crying, it was as if all emotions and respect for her had disappeared.
Now, whenever I look at her, she just irritates me. While she’s attempting to be close to me, my emotions toward her go beyond hatred. I perform my duties, but I dislike staying with her and hate it when she touches me. I’ve become very disrespectful towards her, and although I feel guilty daily, my prayer point is for God to forgive me for disrespecting her. However, when I see her, all the guilt is replaced with anger and hatred. She has said hurtful things like giving birth to me was a mistake and expressing wishes for my death. I wonder why she did these things. She wasn’t a teen mom, she married the man she wanted, and I don’t think it’s postpartum depression. She disrespects everyone, including her mom, my dad, and her workers. I’m aware that my attitude now is bad. What can I do to stop this hatred and respect her once more?
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