I have been in a relationship for over two years now. It started off on a rocky path, especially as it was mostly long distance, but we eventually realigned. And then again, at some point, things started to go really sour, and that was when I realized I may not have been ready for a relationship. We were both major red flags to each other, but for some reason neither of us could walk away. I knew he was flirting with other girls at this point—his exes, previous talking stages, colleagues… I had this gut feeling he was cheating, so I decided to make the call to end things. I somehow managed to convince myself that if I slept with someone else, I would feel even, and it would make it easier for me to end things. I would let him know and just move on. I made the choice to cheat. It happened once, and I instantly regretted it. It wasn’t the path to go down at all. In my regret, I still couldn’t bring myself to let him know, and I vowed it would never happen again. I was going to make my relationship work. We talked about every other thing except that, and he also agreed to make it work and drop all the flirting.
Things were good and back to normal for a hot minute, until they were not. Recently again, I found out that my boyfriend had cheated. I came back and realized he was being too secretive—hiding his phone, taking calls in private, careful while texting—and I just knew something was no longer right. So I dug deep and figured it out. He had not just cheated, but he was still cheating. This wasn’t a one-time thing—it was an ongoing, full-on affair that had lasted about three months, I deduced. It was the longest time I was away. He was seeing this other girl while still in a relationship with me, doing things he did with me. Their texts, picture exchanges—everything confirmed he was sleeping with her. Even after I came back from being away for a while, he continued seeing both of us. He would come to my house and leave straight for her place right after. I confronted him with all the evidence and he couldn’t deny. I was hurt, I was devastated, I’ve not remained the same since that discovery. I fell ill and practically nothing had meaning.
I decided I could not continue, and he begged—citing reasons why it happened. He pleaded and promised that he was going to change and do better. True to his words, he cut off contact with her completely. And despite everything, I love him deeply. I realized that after the terrible choice I had made. I don’t want to walk away, and I’ve decided to stay and forgive him. We have been trying to move on and do better for almost four months now. It’s been really difficult though. I don’t even have to close my eyes to relive the texts, pictures, videos… almost like he had fallen in love. But he claims it was nothing like that, that there was never any serious emotion attached to it. Lol. These are things that I know I may never recover from, and to him, it was just nothing. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I compare myself to her and every other woman he talks to every day, wondering what she/they had or did that I didn’t. But yet I have chosen again to stay with this pain and mutual betrayal. The affair comes up occasionally, especially when I learn more details, and it would usually leave a bitter aftertaste between us.
And I wonder if this is how he would feel if he finds out about mine. I remember kind of asking him how it would be if it was the other way round, and he said it without mincing words—he would end the relationship. Now I have figured he plans to propose. His friend kind of let it slip, dropping a hint. Yes, as much as I no longer trust him, I very much still want to do life with this man. But now I’m left with this question: Should I confess my own infidelity to him? My guilt has been eating me up, and I don’t know if that’s the reason I actually decided to remain—to atone for my own infidelity. Or should I just let it go, since he’ll probably never find out? I don’t know if being honest will help us heal or just cause more damage. What would you do in my position?
Also Read: Cheating is a Choice