I am a 21-year-old Muslim woman and I feel like I am slowly losing myself. I cry almost everyday even when there’s no clear reason. I try to hold on to my five daily prayers but my heart feels so far from them. I feel numb. I feel disconnected from everything that used to bring me peace. I am the last child in my family. My siblings are way older than me and we don’t have that bond where I can open up to them. I have five siblings who are financially okay, yet I still find myself struggling deeply. I can’t bring myself to talk to them about it because I’m scared and because we have never really had that closeness. I don’t even know how to talk to my friends. It’s like my voice gets trapped inside me. I have always been the one that doesn’t have problems, the quiet one who keeps everything in. So I stay silent. I overthink. And it’s eating me up inside. Since my dad passed away last year, I have just felt so alone. He was the one I could always go to both for my needs and for comfort.
Now, it’s like I’m carrying everything by myself. I don’t think I’ve even healed from losing him. Nobody really asks how I’m doing or what’s going on with me. I just keep moving like I’m fine when I’m not. I am not su**idal but thoughts of dying sometimes cross my mind. Lately I have started doing things I know I would never do on a normal day. It’s like I am watching myself drift further away from who I am but I can’t stop it. Now I’m stepping into my final year of school and instead of feeling proud or excited, I feel this heavy emptiness. I don’t know who to turn to or how to ask for help. I just know that I am not okay. Not okay at all.
Also Read: Should I Leave My Lesbian Girlfriend Or My Boyfriend