I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to move on. How do you move on when you’re ghosted? The way my breakup happened last year, we were having issues, and the last time I saw him was in April 2023. There, I saw him; I tried to talk to him, beg him, but he wouldn’t let me touch his hand. He left and lied that he had traveled. The whole year was spent with me begging, trying to see if I could do anything to fix the relationship. On my birthday, he didn’t even come, he gave me money and got me a cake. We had a slight misunderstanding that day, and he told me this was our last birthday together, and that was in July. Two days after my birthday, he ghosted me, didn’t pick up my calls or texts, and just stopped talking. While we were having a conversation, I hadn’t been ghosted before, so I thought something was wrong with him.
Only for him to call a few days after I called nonstop and tell me to know my place, I was so hurt and pained, and out of anger, I didn’t know when I said something really bad. We continued talking, lots of back and forth, mostly me begging. But in September, he finally broke up with me, and I spent nights and days begging. I didn’t sleep for weeks because I was texting constantly. I don’t know what to do. I was very disrespectful, but when I realized my mistakes, I apologized, but I guess it was too late. I begged to meet up and talk, in public or if he was scared, at a police station. He refused, he just stopped picking up my calls. He told me if I begged from now till Jesus came, nothing would change. In a bid to save or at least get closure, I went to his brother’s house to see him and talk to him, and they denied knowing him.
It felt like I was being punished and taught a lesson, but I had already learned my lesson if it was a punishment. I haven’t been able to heal. This is someone who said he was coming back in September. Everything feels unfinished to me. I keep having violent nightmares; I wake up crying and sweating. I had an abortion in the relationship, and I keep sleeping and drifting back to me on the hospital bed in the theatre. I feel gone. I have gone down a hole trying to save myself from this darkness. Nothing is working. I have gone to therapy, taken mental health medications, and tried everything. I can’t stop texting and crying. I texted continually, and he was complaining. He even told me on the 31st not to follow him into the new year, so I begged and begged him to block me so my texts wouldn’t go through.
He kept blocking and unblocking me. I feel like my spirit has gone already. I can’t work, and it’s affecting me because I am broke, but I don’t have the motivation to work. It feels like someone stole my willpower, my will to live. I don’t know what to do. I know I can’t keep myself, but I want to go. I’ve told my mom twice that I am tired of life. I used to be depressed, but this level of low, this place I am in, I have never experienced it. It’s a pain I don’t know what to do with. I am doing drugs to distract myself, but it doesn’t distract me; it just intensifies the pain. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t save myself, and I’m drowning; I can’t save myself.
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