So I’m in a relationship with one of the prettiest babes wey my eyes don ever see. I’m not even joking, this girl fine no be here. We’ve been together for a while now, but my problem with her is sex. First night we wanted to do the do, she told me straight up, “I can’t have sex unless I’m tipsy.” Me, I shock. I no really dey like mixing alcohol with something like that, but I gree. She said she fit take 4 bottles of Bullet. I only gave her two. She drank one and a half, I too the other half. Next thing, my babe got so high, vomit scatter everywhere. Imagine me, after one of the shortest, most lifeless sex of my life, hard as f*** but vexing, cleaning vomit all over the room, changed the bed sheets, and thank God the bed was so big. I had to change her clothes and also put her in the dry side of the bed. That’s how I slept that night, with anger and frustration. Second time we tried again. This time, I gave her just one bottle. We had sex, but omo, it was like I was knacking log of wood. No emotions, no effort, no response. Even kissing, she no sabi. She told me to teach her; we even dey watch tutorials together. Imagine grown adults doing YouTube tutorials for kissing.
After 5 months, she still dey kiss like learner. And me, I love kissing o. Head? Forget it. Babe go see sperm and shout, “Eeeew.” Touching my D sef, she dey do like I carry disease. There was one time we had sex and for the first time, my thing just go flat mid sex. Like my body reject am. Because no matter how fine you be, if you no dey match energy, the vibe go die. Meanwhile, this same babe dey complain every day that she’s h0rny. H0rny for what exactly? Cos to knack am no dey sweet again. Last time we had sex, I had to sit her down. I asked, “Do you even like sex?” She said, “I’m not a sex freak, but what I like is when someone dey eat me and finger me at the same time.” Omo, for person wey no dey give me head, you expect me to give you all that effort? Na lie. I give you, you give me. If you no give me, I no give you. Simple. Now she’s been disturbing me for sex for the past two weeks, and I’ve been turning her down. Not because I don’t want sex, but because my interest just die finish. And for someone like me, whose love language na physical touch, I honestly don’t know if this relationship fit last.
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