My story might be a bit long but please I really want you to read it to the end. I’ve been going through a lot lately, and I don’t really have anyone I feel safe enough to open up to. I’m not the type to pour out my mind to friends or family, so everything just stays in my chest until it feels like it’s choking me. School has been stressing me more than I expected. I failed a course and I’m retaking it this semester. I didn’t tell my parents because I already know the reaction I’ll get, and I genuinely don’t have the emotional strength for the shouting or the blame. I read really hard last semester, so I’m just praying my result this time reflects the effort I put in. But even now, starting this new semester, I feel overwhelmed and tired, like my body wants to read but my mind is exhausted. And then there’s my dad. Honestly, growing up with him has never felt like love. It’s always shouting, anger, insults, tension, or reminding us of “the school fees he pays and the N40k he gives my mom monthly for feeding a family of 5.” I’ve never seen him cook for us once in my entire 20 years.
When he’s around, I stay in the room because the atmosphere in the house becomes tight and uncomfortable. This man is a pastor but he does the opposite of what is in the Bible as far as showing love to your family is concerned. He treats my younger brother differently too. The same things he shouts at me or my siblings for, my brother does it and it’s fine. I notice everything. All those little things add up, and they hurt. There was even a family wedding recently. I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t interact, I couldn’t even dress how I wanted because he was there staring at me like I did something wrong. He shouted at me over something as small as putting yam in the boot of the car. I cried. I had to hide my face with glasses so people wouldn’t notice. That moment broke something in me again. And then the part that genuinely finished me: I resumed school recently. He came to drop me off. This man did not give me a single naira. Nothing. Not even N1k or “take this for the week.” But it’s the same person that will expect me to be bringing A’s home.
It was almost a week later I called him again before he sent N15k, to use for an entire month. I just looked at the credit notification and laughed in pain. Meanwhile, my mum had an accident during the holiday and still ended up in the kitchen with me cooking. I’ve never seen him lift a finger. It honestly makes me wonder why he treats us like this. Sometimes it feels like hate. Sometimes I try to convince myself it’s not, but the way he acts, it’s hard to believe otherwise. Home doesn’t feel like home to me. School feels safer than being around him. And it hurts that I can say that so easily. Did I add that he talks to my mom anyhow? To the point of us being embarrassed on her behalf. I’m just tired. My spirit is really weak. Emotionally tired. Mentally tired. Everything feels heavy. And I find it really hard to believe that he loves us. I just needed to let this out anonymously because keeping it inside is starting to crush me.