I never thought one day I’d be ranting here. I have not experienced love like this since I was born, not even at home. Let me leave that for now because that’s not the reason why I’m here. I was molested as a kid by a family member, he literally had sex with me constantly whenever he was around, and I didn’t know we were having sex or who to tell whenever I was going through that ordeal🥹. I was raped and disvirgined by a friend’s boyfriend at the age of 18, and I didn’t even know who to tell. Well, that’s not the point. The purpose of this rant is I’m pregnant, and I feel like ending my l!fe😭. The trauma I had from all my past experiences is that I don’t know how to resist a guy from having sex with me because I always feel so weak as if I’m being raped, so even if I don’t feel like having sex, I’ll do it just because I don’t know how to say no.
I don’t have multiple partners, and I don’t have sex with someone I’m not in a relationship with. My body count is around 15, and I’ll be 24 this year. That’s not where I’m going. The current person I’m dating who impregnated me was someone I met in June this year. I had my last breakup in January. To be candid, I really saw the red flags, but I thought I was just too harsh because the way this guy talks is really out of it. I thought I was even setting boundaries, and look at where I am right now. Let me fast forward to when I told him I’m pregnant. I’m a student presently in my final year. I don’t want to bring shame to my mum especially, and I also don’t want to be a liability. After talking my heart out because that particular day we had sex, for the first time, it was more like I was forced because I wasn’t feeling it.
I told him he shouldn’t remove the protection, and he did, saying, “I can’t cum inside you.”😭 Look at me, in a mess already. The funniest part is I used contraceptives.🥹 I told him, and we agreed on abortion. I pray God forgives me. Since then, I don’t even understand anymore. I was telling him that he’s supposed to offer more reassurance at this point because I’m scared. This is my first time doing it, and this guy told me, “Who’s going to pay? Isn’t it me?” Like really, money is more important than my life?🥹 I told him he’ll be the one to carry me once I’m done, so in case I faint, it will be beside him. He’s telling me, “So I should be the one to go to prison?” Like, I’m just saying the minimum of what I hear from him, I swear to God.🥹
Finally, I said he should give me N100k for the ab0rtion because he never gave me money before like that. I am an understanding girlfriend. This guy doesn’t know how to care, reassure, or even do anything because the only time we’re having a good conversation is if we’re talking about sex or anything.😭 Now, I said he should give me money, and he’s telling me, “So if someone wants to give birth, it’s N500k now, right?”😭 Like, how? He never asked me how I’m feeling, how I’m dealing with all this, or anything, and he’s saying all these. I feel like committing suicide. I don’t know what I want by ranting, but please tell me what to do.🥹
Does anyone have a therapist I can talk to, probably? With the process, I’ll heal.🥹 I can’t even differentiate what love is because I don’t know what it is.😭 Please help me out.🤲🏾
Also Read: What Do Men Really Want?